tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74165532011-04-21T14:59:30.895-07:00Random thoughts, rantings, and musings of a 21-year-old gay mormon living in the Land of Zion (Utah or Deseret, whichever you prefer)Shane Thompson*http://www.blogger.com/profile/13092214620241121294noreply@blogger.comBlogger21100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416553.post-1122767120834977642005-07-30T16:06:00.000-07:002005-07-30T16:48:07.153-07:00I went on a random two hour road trip today, just to get away and think. It was a beautiful day, and it was awesome just to get up above the smog and sort out where I want my life to go. It's amazing how fast the last few months have gone by and just how much I've changed. I've been going to the same job, same school, and coming home to the same room I have been since January. But inside, I feel like I've aged ten years, I'm so much older and more open to the possibilities that the world has to offer.<br />Two years ago, I knew exactly where my life would be, and it wasn't pretty. The world was either black or white, everything was good or evil, and even my own dreams were confined to a little mormon box (I'm not sure that made sense, but it's the only way I can describe it ;) But today, looking out over the valley, I see the world, not as black or white, and not even in shades of grey, but in brilliant, vibrant color and grandeur.<br />I sat back and tried to think of where I was a year ago. The last year already seems like a nearly forgotten blur. It's like I somehow managed to break out of this box over the course of the last year, finally freeing my mind from the self-induced guilt of mormon thought. It's strange, but I'll probably always consider myself a mormon. It's too much a part of my past and my life to just throw away and discount, but the present belongs to me. The mormon church molded me into something I knew I wasn't, but now I'm free to mold myself into whatever I want- Not a bad thought at all...<br />Things that seemed impossible and unacceptable before seem like they're just within arm's reach. Being who God made me to be, ending all the lies, and actually living my life is something I look forward to, something I know I'm getting closer to every day, and something I know will be terribly hard to achieve. In ways, I'm still haunted by unresolved fears from the past, but I know it will all be worth it.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/7416553-112276712083497764?l=queerinzion.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Shane Thompson*http://www.blogger.com/profile/13092214620241121294noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416553.post-1088521906483904032004-06-29T08:10:00.000-07:002004-06-29T08:12:41.613-07:00I woke up this morning, looked around my room with my usual groggy, semi-conscious scowl, and realized that almost nothing has changed in the last two years. It's as if time froze that summer after graduation. <br /> <br />Everything sits or hangs exactly where I left it. All the pictures from my (completely pointless) high school dances, all my awards and plaques, my letterman's jacket, some fancy eagle scout thingy signed by some old, gay-hating, bald state senator--everything that doesn't matter. <br /> <br />These used to be my prized possessions, the things that gave my life meaning (Shallow, I know). I being the perfectionist I am, knew VERY well of my <em>slight</em> imperfection when it came to girls, and so put all my energy into being the best at everything else. Somehow, and I don't know where the logic came from, if I could be perfect in <em>almost</em> everything in my life, then this <em>one</em> thing wouldn't matter. <br /> <br />I could just ignore it. It would go away. I don't need to be with anyone, girl or guy (and don't even consider that). Or so I thought... <br /> <br />You can only lie to yourself for so long until it sounds so ridiculous and wrong that it just won't work anymore. <br /> <br />I shouldn't say when I realized, because I've always known, but when I accepted the fact that I was gay, EVERYTHING stopped. My old life, my life of denial and lies and self-delusion shattered--and I was left to pick up the pieces. I realized that everything I had tried to occupy myself with was completely pointless. <br /> <br />And so everything that was part of that old life sat, finished or unfinished where it lay. <br /> <br />I've since given up on trying to pick up the pieces. I DON'T WANT TO. Damn, do I really want to put myself through all that shit again? Hell no!!! <br /> <br />I've started a new life, although some things will have to wait for now. Sure, there are still my friends and parents from before I began my steps out of the closet, and honestly, I want them to be there when I get married (probably not in Utah) or when we adopt a kid or something. But will they? Probably not. I'm moving on with my own life, and it is ENTIRELY their choice if they want to be a part of it. <br /> <br />I can't hold myself back because of what they might think. Selfish? Maybe. <br /> <br />Well, I'm off to throw away a whole lot of dance pictures. Nice girls, though. But it's never gonna happen... <div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/7416553-108852190648390403?l=queerinzion.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Shane Thompson*http://www.blogger.com/profile/13092214620241121294noreply@blogger.com2